


and we paraphrase, the things we’re not allowed to say; i’m hanging in the tension

by angelica_barnes



Series: ABC [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Love affairs, Multi, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, Secrets, i'm sorry i love her so much, kind of mean eliza, she's just angry that her husband's cheating on her (again)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 18:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16331105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica_barnes/pseuds/angelica_barnes
Summary: eliza hamilton finds some letters belonging to her husband from someone named laurens.oh dear.8. homophobia. happy. home. hate.





	and we paraphrase, the things we’re not allowed to say; i’m hanging in the tension

**Author's Note:**

> based off :
> 
> Jolene - Miley Cyrus  
> I Hate You, I Love You - gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien
> 
>  
> 
> Silence. Just dead, never-ending, starving silence.

 

_ My dearest, Alexander,  _ the letter begins. Eliza has never suspected that her husband may have a lover - she and him have been happy, in love, raising their son well. Even with Mrs. Reynolds, there were no love letters - simply ones of lust. And never had the lady called Eliza’s husband,  _ my dearest _ . That endearment is kept solely for your most loved, Alexander’s letters to her and Angelica.

It isn’t wise, but she keeps reading.

 

 

_ My dearest, Alexander, _

 

_ So long it’s been since we last met. I must ask about your wife - is she well? And your son, how is he? My daughter has been recently married, to a fine soldier. I confess it makes me feel yellow with age. _

_ I know it’s a risk, but I must ask. Do you think you may be able to come out to see me? Perhaps, the fifth of July, when the celebrations are over and the streets deserted save for drunks who should not remember seeing us in the morning. Lafayette tells me he knows a good tavern that might let us in. _

_ Meetings aside, I miss you, my love. So long it’s been. So long. _

 

_ Affectionately yours, _

_ Laurens _

 

 

Eliza has never met a Laurens. Alexander does not often speak of those he meets at work or otherwise, except to complain about Mr. Jefferson, and he is a man so he could not possibly be who her husband is writing to. When Alexander arrives home, he smiles and kisses her, then ruffles Phillip’s hair as he passes by the table where their son sits.

He seems happy. Not burdened, not as if he’s keeping a secret.

She opens her mouth to ask him about the letter, but instead ends up asking about his day; he turns back to her, smiles wider, and tells her it was splendid.

The fifth of July is tomorrow.

 

 

_ My dearest, Alexander, _

 

_ I love you just as much. However, I do not believe you are warm in your friendships, I must confess - Lafayette and Mulligan, you treat with some kind of cruel teasing at all times! You are far from warm, my love! _

_ But nonetheless, we care for you. It is an aspect of your vibrant personality that has attracted me to you for years, though I find it unbelievably difficult to deal with. But you are difficult, Alexander, in every sense of the word, and I wouldn’t have you any other way. _

_ Our relationship, however, I may wish to be easier. But I can want for not, I suppose, so long as you continue to return my affections. That is more than I could ask for. _

 

_ Affectionately yours, _

_ Laurens _

 

 

Eliza writes to her sister the moment she finishes reading the second letter. It’s been a few minutes since Alexander left, with a kiss to her cheek and an, “It’s a beautiful night, love, but I’m afraid I have matters to attend to!”

It’s the fifth, and she knows very well that those matters have nothing to do with work. Though she is appalled by this woman’s, Laurens’, behavior. A wife being amongst men, calling them her friends! It is simply ghastly, the mere idea!

_ My dearest sister,  _ Eliza writes.  _ You would not believe the horrors I have recently been subject to… _

 

 

_ My dearest, Alexander, _

 

_I cannot even begin to fathom the words in your last letter to me. Your wife is a beautiful, kind, strong woman! I’m sure if she was angry with you, she’d have voiced it! And if not, my goodness, Alexander, you cannot speak of women that way! I am ashamed for you!_ _  
__However, I know your pride will be damaged upon receiving this letter and your insecurities may fight their way to the surface. I wouldn’t want you to think, my love, that I love you any less because of this. I still treasure our nights together, your company; my heart is still well and truly yours._

_ I am afraid, though, of the consequences these letters may bring one day. It is dangerous to make note of such feelings on a page, as anyone could be reading them. I love you, my Alexander, but I pray you are being more careful with these words than you were with Mrs. Reynolds. _

 

_ Affectionately yours, _

_ Laurens _

 

 

Eliza is nearly frantic when she reads the newest letter. This woman knows of Mrs. Reynolds! Granted, most of the world does as well, thanks to Eliza’s reckless husband, but goodness, this is a whole new level of humiliation!

Though, Eliza supposes, this woman was cheated on as much as herself. It seems their affair had been happening at the time of Mrs. Reynolds’ appearance, and had continued after - this woman must love Alexander very much, Eliza will say that.

Mixed in with this letter is one for Eliza, from Angelica. Eliza prays it will soothe her racing heart. That it will calm her worries, quiet her doubts.

It does the opposite -  _ My dearest Eliza, I am ever so sorry for this development. However, I must tell you that I have suspected an affair on Alexander’s part for years. He will never be satisfied… _

 

 

_ My dearest, Alexander, _

 

_ Happy 20th Anniversary, my love. I have bought you nothing, and I sincerely hope you have done the same. It is dangerous enough that we continue this correspondence. _

_ I have no news for you, nor criticisms. I merely wish to see you. I always seem to ask for the impossible, though, do I not? _

_ I love you, Alexander. I am sorry to have never been able to say it so plainly before on paper. _

 

_ Affectionately yours, _

_ Laurens _

 

 

Eliza makes it not a sentence into the letter before she’s throwing it into the fire. What does it matter if Alexander now knows she’s been reading his private mail, why does she care? Twenty years, for god’s sakes, that is longer than she and Alexander’s marriage, let alone their courtship!

When her husband gets home, Eliza is waiting with a glass of wine, up far later than the time she usually retires to bed. Phillip is asleep upstairs, and Eliza holds Laurens’ letters in the hand that isn’t trembling around the wine glass.

She will get her answers tonight.

 

 

_ My dearest Eliza, _

 

_ I am ever so sorry for this development. However, I must tell you that I have suspected an affair on Alexander’s part for years. He will never be satisfied, I told you this when you married. _

_ Though I regret to say so, I believe you are wrong about both the length of this affair and the offender’s identity. I met one of Alexander’s friends on the night of your wedding, drinking at the bar. I joined in, feeling rather sullen as at the time, I had feelings for your husband as well. I promise you they have diminished with my marriage to Thomas, however, and you needn’t worry, Alexander never returned the sentiment. _

_ But I have to say, if my assumptions are correct, then the object of your husband’s affections is none other than one John Laurens, the man who toasted to you and Alexander as the best man and told me, in his drunken stupor, that he could think of no woman worthier than you to hold the gaze of Alexander’s golden eyes. _

_ Though I suspected the affair had continued, I had hoped that his curious addiction to alcohol that night and Mrs. Reynolds’ predicament a few years ago meant that Alexander and John had ended their illegal relationship, but it seems, unfortunately, that my suspicions were correct. I wish you the best of luck with whatever course of action you decide to take, and hope that you know I will stand by you no matter what you eventually do. _

_ However, I must ask that you do not blame John for all of this. Much as we care for him, you know as well as I that your husband is a reckless, reckless man. _

 

_ Your favorite older sister, _

_ Angelica _

 

 

“Alexander,” Eliza says, to alert him of her presence, and her husband jumps. He smiles once he sees her though, and walks over, bending down with the intent to give her a kiss.

But she no longer wants him to.

She turns her head away. “Sit, my husband. We have something to discuss.”

Alexander pulls away, head cocked in confusion, and his eyes rake over her body, trying to find the source of her anger.

He catches sight of the letters and his face drains of color.

He pulls up a chair to sit across from her, in silence, and she remains impassive as he clears his throat and settles, though he seems to be uncomfortable no matter how he sits.

Alexander says nothing to her, even as he stops shifting around and hides his hands in between his legs, pressed together. His face is red now, eyes cloudy with an emotion she has never, not once, seen there before -

Fear.

 

 

_ Mr. Laurens, _

 

_ Though we have not met, I am well aware who you are. John Laurens, a war hero who almost fell in battle nearly two decades ago, and the one who, it seems, holds my husband’s heart. _

_ I am sure that by now, you know who I am - Elizabeth Hamilton, formerly Schuyler, the wife of your supremely illegal lover. _

_ I found your letters and have been reading them for quite a while now. Though your words never gave much of who you were away, my sister met you the night of my wedding and told me of your unfortunate situation, same as my own. _

_ It seems we have both fallen in love with an Icarus, as my sister would say, and all I ask is that you come to Alexander and I’s home for a brief meeting on the evening of August 3rd. _

_ I’ll be waiting. So will he. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Mrs. Hamilton _

 

 

Laurens arrives five minutes later.

She and Alexander haven’t said a word to each other up until this point, though when Laurens barges in, he is frazzled, scrappily dressed and looking undone. He’s panting as he stops in the doorway, taking in the sight of his lover’s wife and his lover himself, looking up at Laurens with wide, sad eyes.

“John,” Alexander breathes, as if the name physically pains him, and Laurens inhales sharply and moves to take a step forward, fingers unclenching from their fist, only to stop when Eliza speaks.

“Mr. Laurens. So kind of you to join us.”

The man in question then turns from his lover, slowly, and meets her narrow, cold eyes. He swallows, and she sees his Adam’s apple bob.

“Sit down,” she says, voice cutting like a knife through the heavy silence. “There’s a chair next to my husband. Please. Sit down.”

Laurens does, cautiously, without ever looking away from her. Alexander is panicked, whispering, “John,” over and over again as if that will change any of it, but Laurens won’t tear his eyes from Eliza’s.

Then, to calm his lover, he reaches out and curls his fingers around Alexander’s.

Her husband immediately quiets, staring at Laurens in shock, and Eliza smiles. But it isn’t warm, rather quite chilling, and it only widens as she waits for him to let go and he doesn’t.

“Well, well, well,” she nearly hisses. “You seem to have decided he belongs to you, though it’s my ring he wears.”

Laurens stares right back at her. “That wasn’t my decision, ma’am. It was his.”

Eliza turns to Alexander then, who finally tears his eyes from his lover to look at her. “Is this true, my husband?”

Alexander’s eyes flick to Laurens, then harden. He turns his hand over and grasps Laurens’, gentle but strong, palms pressed tight together.

“Yes.”

 

 

_ My dear Laurens, _

 

_ I love you. This is the first letter in which I risk saying so, but it is also the last I will send before I am married. But I wish you to know that despite Schuyler’s black eyes, there is still a part of my heart left for you. Perhaps even all of it, if I can find a way to wrestle it from Elizabeth’s fingers. _

_ The war has me tired and nearly out of hope. Your wife leaves me feeling helpless, your daughter causing the deepest of pains to run through me, and whenever we separate for war I can find no will to rush to the front lines other than the forbidden wish that if I fight hard enough, I will one day be back in your arms and find myself allowed to stay. _

_ But still, we are illegal. Sickening. Disgusting, in the eyes of so many others. _

_ Well, I, myself, am disgusted with everything in this world but yourself. _

_ Eliza Schuyler will make a lovely wife and wonderful life-long companion, but my heart still longs for you. _

_ Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, that it might be within my power to convince you that I love you. _

 

_ Affectionately yours, _

_ Hamilton _

  
  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!!! :)
> 
> quotes i took from hamilton's letters to laurens :
> 
> "I am disgusted with everything in this world but yourself."
> 
> "In spite of Schuyler's black eyes, there is still a part of my heart left for you."
> 
> "Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, that it might be within my power to convince you that I love you."
> 
> (they were so gay)


End file.
